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Get Through the Top Divorce Mistakes

About Sherilyn Jar    Law Firm

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Seven Golden Rules For Separating Parents

The turmoil children go through when their parents are separating is unmeasurable. Not only are they facing the prospect of everything they’ve ever known being ripped apart, but they often question their own role in the break-up. Ever watched a movie or television program where a child thinks she must have done something wrong to cause her parents to separate? There’s a reason that storylines like these are often featured – it’s because it happens. Children do not deserve to feel responsible for their parents’ relationship breakdown, and parents owe their children the very best possible care throughout the bumpy road of a separation or divorce.

Here are 7 crucial rules to note and remember:

Rule 1: Do not, under any circumstances, argue and shout about your separation in front of your child. This is particularly important if you are fighting about the child. It’s so easy to let your frustration and anger lead you into yet another heated session of name-calling and blame-giving, but keep it out of earshot of your child. If she hears an angry debate that is about her then she might think the whole problem is with her. The last thing you want is your child to start thinking that she is the causes of her parents’ pain and anger. Take deep breaths and calm yourself down. Nothing you say at that moment is important enough to override the potential damage to your child if she hears you scream at one another about her.

Rule 2: Even without your child overhearing arguments between her parents that are about her, she may still blame herself for your separation and needs to be constantly reassured that it’s NOT her fault. Tell her that Mommy and Daddy have some trouble getting along. Tell her that NOTHING she has EVER done has caused this problem. Explain in kind and simple terms that no matter what happens both of you love her deeply and always will. Get the message through to her, and be sure to tell her again and again, as often as is needed. Do not assume that just because she hasn’t approached you to ask if it’s her fault that she isn’t blaming herself anyway. She is likely to be very confused about her role in your problems so do your absolute best to take away any guilt she may be feeling.

Rule 3: Do not use your child as a pawn, or a bargaining tool. For example, do not threaten to take your child away from your partner forever just to get what you want. Your child is there to be nurtured and raised in the best possible environment you can both provide. She is not a means to an end. If there is a genuine danger to your child from your partner then you should protect her at all costs with official intervention if necessary.

Rule 4: Do not use your child as a message carrier, a go-between, or try to poison her opinion of your partner. You may feel complete and utter hatred towards your partner but your child still loves her parent dearly. When it comes to bitter exchanges, “Tell your father this”, or, “Give your mother that”, is always a bad idea that will influence her opinions and actions. Encourage and plan positive meetings, pleasant phone calls, happy stay-overs, and fun days out, but messages of hatred delivered by an innocent child are not good for her.

Rule 5: Talk to your child. She is facing one of the most confusing and traumatic times of her young life, so talk her through it. Using her own terminology, explain what is happening and what is expected to happen next. Do not make wild promises to her that you will be forced to break, instead concentrate on spending as much time with her as you can and offering reassurance and explanation. You might think you are protecting your child, but shielding her from the reality of your situation is non-beneficial. She will be able to cope far better if she understands in her own terms what is going on.

Rule 6: Your child is not there for information gathering. No matter how tempting it may be to gain the edge in a messy divorce or separation, intrusive questions or spying techniques are to be avoided. The pressure on a child who is keeping secrets from a parent is immense, and similarly a mission to gain knowledge for a parent carries too much pressure. It’s simply not good for her to be deceitful in this way.

Rule 7: Remember to listen to your child. Many parents overlook the fact that their child wants to feel she has some control at a time where she has very little. Give her some control. If you are moving to a new area discuss the new living arrangements. Talk to her about her new school, get her to make simple decisions about simple things, like the decor in her new room, or deciding that a certain day of the week will be her day and what she wants to do. A few small positives will help her during a time when negatives are likely to be prominent.

Divorce, or separation is often unavoidable and the impact on any child or children involved will be huge. The potential for psychological and emotional damage to your child during this distressing time for her should be kept to a minimum. Seek professional help if you can, and use common sense always. Do not let your high-running emotions cloud your judgement or decision making. Your child is number one and she needs both parents to be thinking of her welfare before any other matter.


How to Save your Marriage before it Starts

The commitment to spend the rest of your life with another person is, by far, the most important decision you will ever make in your entire life. Therefore, the decision should not be made half-heartedly.

Unfortunately, many individuals enter into marriage for the wrong reasons. Often, the appeal of an outrageously priced wedding gown, a church that you’ve never stepped foot in before and a standing room only reception takes precedence over the issues that really matter. Issues like love, commitment, truthfulness and compatibility. Sometimes, young couples fall in love with the idea of being married. They might recognize certain “red flags” that flash before them on a daily basis, but they are so determined to have a wedding that they begin lying to themselves about what those flags really mean. For instance, a couple who has absolutely nothing in common might tell themselves that they’ll find common interests later in the relationship, or one that argues frequently might say that it’ll surely get better. Believe it or not, there are those who aren’t really in love but will try to convince themselves that love will also come later.

In order for a marriage to have a chance of surviving, you have to be certain that it is one that should take place before it begins. Most marriages are not at all like the fairy tales that we read about when we are children. I don’t recall the mention of the words “patience, commitment, sacrifice or work” in any of those stories. Marriage involves all of these and so much more. Although you should be prepared to work, I truly believe that it should not feel like a second job.

How do I save my marriage before it even begins? Well, the key is to be realistic about marriage and all that it entails. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. It is also a very special friendship that should be cherished and not forgotten. Both parties must recognize that each individual has his or her own special wants and needs that must be acknowledged and respected.

Marriage is a very special bond between two people. It is imperative that all parties involved have the utmost respect for that bond. Therefore, each individual must make a genuine effort to understand his or her role and then commit to creating a long and happy marriage.

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Attend Domestic Violence Classes Los Angeles

About Majid Mireskandari      Journalist,Psychology

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The Pursuit Of Happiness Through Marriage

Happiness is synonymous to having a sound health and a calm mind. It is a valuable present and the pursuit of happiness should make us look at the love around us. It should also direct us to look within our hearts. Despite living in a nuclear society nowadays, man is still a social being and all our relationships give meaning to our existence.

And the institution of marriage is the most essential of them all. In the endless pursuit of eternal happiness, more or less it finally ends in marriage. Being married is equal to love, understanding and lifetime commitment. It is a secure and solid union based on passion, everlasting love and sexual desire.

Marriage is the fundamental commitment of living to attain the most natural way of experiencing happiness. In this pursuit of happiness, we know that our life should have a whole balance of commitment and fulfilling love. However, the pursuit of happiness through marrying is still an individualistic view. While marriage remains a respected established custom, it no longer becomes imperative and mandatory especially for females.

Before, some half a century earlier, being in a state of wedded bliss was the ultimate purpose of our forefathers. Nevertheless, in our current times, we have seen a radical change regarding how relationships are perceived. Both men and women these days are equally ambitious and strive to be successful which makes this pursuit of happiness even more definitive.

The pursuit of happiness via marriage contains the attainment of material comforts that could pave the way for two persons in love to live at ease on sharing a lifetime of togetherness. In addition, lifetime partners who are compatible deserve each other and much more likely to have an ideal and happy marriage.

Thus, they could be called a match made in heaven because in all aspects they are a perfect match physically, emotionally and intellectually. Being married gives a sense of oneness and completeness to both ladies and gentlemen. But it all depends on making the right choice. This whole theory is revealed in all doctrines and beliefs that train us to look further within us.

Since historic times marriage has been the foundation in reaching true happiness and realizing lifetime fulfillment. Marriage is by far the most natural established practice formed by man himself and evolution has made humans see their sexual distinctions and harmony. Hence, it has given them a formal and true bonding and an atmosphere to bear their offspring and raise them in the future.

This entire pursuit of happiness is an inherent facet of human practicality. And the pursuit of happiness through marriage is actually an occurrence that has come down and passed from generation to generation. It is already a proven principle and tested by time that holds true even in these modern times because it is the result of human belief and not human actions.

And this may be the reason why, that while many institutions have come and gone with different human societies, marriage has remained and lasted over the centuries.

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About Irshad Alam      Internet Marketing Expert

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