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Most Common Reasons For Divorce And How You Can Avoid Them

There are many reasons why marriages end in a stunning divorce. Some are simple and other problems are way too big. But there are also many reasons to avoid such a thing as divorce. Engaging in the sacred union simply means living a life with your partner forever.

Divorce is far beyond what we actually witness in reality. One can not really comment about divorce if they haven’t experienced it yet. Having a married life does not include plans of engaging divorce, normally. But we don’t know the future awaiting. We can’t look beyond time and see if such things could really happen. But what I am sure is that there are some very common reasons for divorce. I will also talk about how to avoid it altogether.

Many marriages end up at a dead-end or divorce when they take the problems on their relationship with ease or are not even dedicated to help resolve the issue.

I will discuss with you the most common reasons for divorce. Any marriage can be saved if both partners know the reasons why relationships end in a divorce. Furthermore, this guide can help you prevent such a thing from happening. Handling a relationship may seem difficult but it is quite easy if you know the right things to do. And having knowledge of the etiology or the root cause of the problem is a big advantage.

Most common reason for divorce:

1. Lack of communication. Constant communication is very important for almost all relationships that we are involved in. Normally, we individuals are social people which mean we need to interact with each other much more with our partner. It establishes a good relationship and can be a core factor in building and maintaining harmony. We don’t usually notice it but we tend to let loose from communicating to our partner.

Solving this issue is very simple. The problem is lack of communication so you can fix this problem by giving time for you and your partner to communicate. This does not mean having serious conversations all the time. It can start with a simple ‘how was your day’ and it will eventually lead to other conversations. You may also want to consult a marriage counselor to address your problems with communication.

2. The second cause is infidelity. Anyone could burst out in flames if they caught their wife or husband cheating. It is a major offense and gives a greater chance that a marriage would likely end up in a divorce. There are reasons why it does happen. But one thing is for sure, there is something missing within the relationship. The word ‘missing’ connotes many things like lack of intimacy, lack of financial stability, lack of communication, etc.

If one or both of you have been cheating for a long time then the healing process might also take a long time. Seek advice from the experts and specialists with relationships. And also cling to your partner when you need them the most. There are always sane reasons to fight for your marriage.

A marriage, no matter how bad the circumstances, can always be saved. Ultimately, it is up to you.

One resource that I found very helpful with our struggle to save our marriage was a book called “The Magic Of Making Up“. It has countless tips & techniques to get you were you want to go. I am not saying it would help in every situation, but it may be worth reading. At the very least the wisdom I obtained from it, I have used in all aspects of my everyday life.

http://www.streetarticles.com/divorce/most-common-reasons-for-divorce-and-how-you-can-avoid-them

How Does Divorce Affect the Family

Till death divorce do us part…

Sealed by a kiss and a pair of eternity rings, most of us believe that “marriages are made in heaven”. But, when it comes to facing a real marriage, how many people really give it their heart and soul to be together? The beginning of a married life is magical with many hopes and wishes. But as the time passes by, often couples feel the pressure of making compromises for each other. They start noticing the differences between them which earlier seemed ‘cute’, they become irritating and suddenly make them ‘incompatible’. Soon, small arguments turn to big conflicts. When these become a routine affair until they are no longer tolerable, the couple takes the big step of ending the marriage. It is called a divorce, the legal termination of a marriage between a husband and wife. Marriages are not for the faint of heart. If there were no legal constraints, people would probably walk out of their marriages as easily as they would out of a clothes store, the collection of which didn’t excite them enough to make a purchase.

But why do marriages fail? The unhappiness in a couple’s married life may have developed due to behavioral or attitudinal problems; say one of the partners is aggressive, a workaholic, adulterer, has an alcohol or drug addiction or has been inflicting physical or emotional abuse on the family. Any of these situations can create a lot of stress in the marriage as well the people affected by it. Ultimately, divorces are an emotionally painful experience for all those involved, especially children.

Effects of Divorce on the Family A divorce comes with stress. It is legally documenting that two people failed to save their marriage and drifted apart. What if children are involved in that mix? If your parents are distressed by the decision that you have decided to leave your spouse, they may be able to handle it having had strong life experiences. But, what about the little ones who are told that mummy and daddy are breaking up when they haven’t even truly experienced the world. Well, in all honesty, marriages should have never come with the clause “If you act nasty, I will leave you.” Yet, for some, divorce often proves to be an escape from hell.

FOR BETTER…While a divorce is painful, it may just bring an end to a broken marriage that is beyond repair and end the suffering of everyone around. If a couple is seeking divorce, then it wouldn’t be wrong to presume that they were having problems for a long time and there may have been bouts of extremely ugly and bitter quarrels between the spouses. Instead of running around in circles, a divorce may come as a boon in bane. According to a psychological assessment of the children of divorced parents, most subjects stated that although it had been extremely agonizing, the divorce only made them emotionally stronger once they got out of the trauma. They gained a fair and deeper perspective on the life-changing event. These children also became independent and mature at quite an early age with respect to their counterparts belonging to two-parent families.

In adulthood, a significant part of them enjoyed well-established careers and cited being more sensitive towards their relationships, especially the intimate ones. Since they lacked stability in their childhood, they tried to make up for it by building a strong financial and social network, becoming self-reliant in the process. However, while being more common amongst girls as compared to boys, this was true only for a small percentage (debatable between researchers).

OR FOR WORSEA pre-divorce house is like a battle ground awaiting for the war to begin, creating a hostile environment at home. Until a divorce is finalized and even thereafter, the spouses get entangled in clashes over the division of valuables and everything else owned or a part of the family which is witnessed and suffered by their children. There goes their childhood downhill. Add to that, it builds a foundation for a society of brittle relationships created by self-sabotaging individuals.

After a divorce, family relationships are never normal. There is a lot of emotional disturbance to every member affected by it. It takes a really long time to truly get over the trauma and confusion about love, life and relationships. The animosity of the past often spills over to the future romantic liaisons of the man and wife as well as their children. One or both partners may face emotional, psychological and financial troubles. The failure of their marriage can often make them feel lonely and rejected. The divorce affects the housing arrangements, health and economic status. In an equation wherein children are involved, custody battles may ensue. Again, a legal settlement may be mutually consented upon but the children stand to miss be deprived of their right to have a happy and emotionally healthy family relationships. A child needs both the parents equally. Parental love and support is a key to the healthy physical and mental development of a child. When a single parent has to play the role of both and fulfill the responsibilities of each while juggling a job simultaneously, it is impossible to do so in the long term as either the career or the parenting will take a back seat. Separation from either of the parents may breed a psychological muddle of issues like insecurity due to abandonment, instability and uncertainty of the future causing extreme mood swings, depression, resentment, suicidal tendencies, promiscuity, substance abuse, inability to trust and/or a lack of ambition in later life.

After a divorce, occasions of merry-making such as birthdays, Christmases and Thanksgivings are never the same with their paternal and maternal extended families that never get together to celebrate again. In a post-divorce scenario, many children are at the risk of losing their emotional bond and becoming estranged from their relatives, neighbors and friends. For teens, the social stigma of a broken family may subject them to the antagonism of their peers at school or worse, they may be pitied which can further add insult to injury. Behavioral problems such as impulsiveness and aggressiveness are common traits amongst the children of divorced couples. The academic performance of the children also suffers. Since every divorce comes at a price, literally, financial difficulties may prompt them to drop out and gain no education.

Adults are the role models for the younger ones. A divorce in the family leaves them no choice but to accept it. A divorce affects children and other family members as well. Those in the immediate and extended family may often come to see it as the right decision which is dangerous to the society as it is likely to create acceptance and imitation of the behavior. They may see divorce in a different light as an easier escape from troubled marriages. Such a psychology is unhealthy for their relationships as well. However, a couple’s circumstances after a divorce play a major role in their perception of the rightfulness of their decision.

There are two sides to a coin. The ability of a family to cope with the divorce is a deciding factor on the effect of divorce on them – whether positive or negative. Hence, it is the parents’ responsibility to support their children and handle this situation with patience and diplomacy. Once a couple has chosen to separate, the children must be given enough time and support to come to terms with the reality. If you’re considering a divorce, be honest with your children and help them understand your side as well. Be real and factual, but, keep a positive undertone in your discussion. Make them aware about the reasons behind the divorce. You may have given a long thought and come up with your own justifiable reasons before opting for a divorce so I wouldn’t ask you to reconsider your decision. What is really important is that you spend more time with the kids to help them find an outlet to express their feelings. It will reduce their grief period so, they don’t end up withdrawing and feeling isolated. Give constant emotional and financial support to your children so that they would be ready to accept the changes.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/how-does-divorce-affect-the-family.html

Effects of Divorce on Women

Psychological Effects of Divorce

Emotional UpheavalDivorce is painful no matter what the reasons for separation are. It causes emotional upheaval which wrecks many. The rigmarole of starting over and adapting to a single’s life, is the toughest part of getting divorced. One of the most common effects of divorce is depression. Feeling low is natural, and it often leads to a state of depression. With no one to talk to and the sudden loneliness, one can feel abandoned. Additionally, the loss of financial and emotional support can cause anxiety and insecurity. Being in wallows of self-pity and self doubt is also a common side effect of divorce on women. Spend more time with your family and your friends, to get out of this phase of eclipsed self worth. Value the people who are still there with you, to see the positive side of life.

Guilt TripsWomen going through a divorce often blame themselves for the relationship mishap. Seeing your immediate family and children put up with the emotional upheaval, can make you feel guilty for a long time. To deal with this conundrum, spend more time with them. Be open about your issues and accept their support as you cope up with the breakup. A dissolution of marriage is no reason for a woman to feel guilty for the rest of her life. Remember that it takes two to tango, so the fault is not entirely yours. Forgive yourself and vow to evolve as an edified person from this traumatic experience.

Single ParentingA single parent is both, the mother and the father to the child. Playing the double role is definitely taxing and the toughest challenge of parenthood. Effects of divorce on children are long-lasting. It makes them question their acts and their relationships with you. In many cases, it also warps the meaning of trust for kids who are in the developmental stage of life. Although you are now a single parent, you have to help your child to cope up with the fact that his / her parents are no longer going to be together. Communication is the key to re-establish your relationship with your child.

Social CirclesWomen going through a divorce often end up feeling alone, and crave to spend time with friends. However, a broken marriage comes with a broken friend circle too. After spending years with your ex-husband, your social circles are bound to be the same. A divorce creates a rift amongst friends as well, causing lack of friends and disturbed social circles. When you lose out on people who were once a part of life, for no fault of yours, it can cause prolonged periods of sadness and depression.

A homemaker finds it extremely difficult to deal with the side effects of a divorce, as she loses out on everything she ever worked for. However, one needs to realize that divorce is not the end of the world. It is a rough phase of life, which needs to be dealt with optimism and positivity.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/effects-of-divorce-on-women.html

Finding a Good Marriage Counselor

If saving the marriage is important to both partners, finding a good marriage counselor is probably the most important thing you will ever do. The tips for finding a good marriage counselor are no different than what you would do to find a counselor for any issue.

REFERRALS

The best way to find out if someone is a good marriage counselor is to ask people who have used their services. If you do not have friends or family who have used a marriage counselor (or who will admit to it), ask the counselor to give you references. Of course he or she will undoubtedly give you the names of satisfied customers, but that will still give you a feel for the counselor’s ability.

Note: Successful marriage counseling does not always end in the couple staying together. Counseling may show them that there are just too many incompatibilities, too many differences in values and goals.

EXPERIENCE

Being in the business for a long time does not necessarily mean a counselor is good at their job. Still, it is one indicator that suggests someone knows what she or he is doing. Someone who has been counseling for a long time should have learned a few things along the way. A really bad marriage counselor is not likely to last very long in the business.

CREDENTIALS

Credentials are not really as important, in my opinion, as the first two criteria. Stronger credentials do not necessarily guarantee a good counseling experience. In the hierarchy of therapists, we have psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists such as Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) or Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC).

Unless a psychiatrist specializes in marriage counseling, he or she may be less well-trained than other therapists. The same could be said for psychologists. It is better to find a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in marriage counseling than one who is simply willing to occasionally see couples for marriage counseling.

The training of MFTs and LPCs varies from one state to another. There are differences in the number of hours of internship required. There are differences in the tests required for licensure. The credentials of a marriage counselor or therapist are not sufficient for making this important judgment. Still, they may have more training in this area than their psychiatrist or psychologist counterparts.

ALTERNATIVE COUNSELORS

Any minister, priest, rabbi, or other spiritual leader can legally provide marriage counseling. This is a common part of most ministries, as is officiating at marriages. Some will offer marriage counseling without charge if you are a member of the congregation. Some belong to national pastoral counseling organizations, which does not necessarily qualify them as good marriage counselors.

There are many other categories of counselors with less in the way of degrees or licensure. Anyone can call herself a spiritual counselor. For that matter, legal ordinations can be obtained for a few bucks. I have such an ordination myself. Although there are organizations that teach coaching and give licenses, this is not a regulated industry. Anyone can call himself a coach.

I do not mention this last category to warn you or denigrate their collective abilities. You may find the best marriage counselor among this latter group. You would simply need to use the same criteria for them as for any others. Get references and look at their longevity and track record.

CONCLUSION

Marriage counseling involves an intimate relationship between three people. Regardless of references, experience, or credentials, both spouses must feel comfortable with the counselor. Usually it takes just one session to decide if there is compatibility. If either spouse feels that the counselor is taking sides, the counseling will break down and will not be successful.

Ultimately, the sincerity of each partner in seeking help to save the marriage will be the biggest indicator of success. The best marriage counselor in the country will not be able to save a marriage, which was already over before the couple came to counseling. A good marriage counselor can be a great help in opening up communication and helping the spouses see things from a different perspective, but only the couple themselves can save their marriage.

 

http://www.helium.com/items/1189740-finding-a-good-marriage-counselor

Getting Out of the Rut of Divorce

I was only 23 when my divorce became final – I am now 25. Sure, I have plenty of years ahead of me, a fact that people like to remind me. But, I was with my ex for 6 years – that’s a pretty good chunk of my life! I’m at the age that most of my friends are getting married and having kids, and I feel like I went backwards a bit. Then again, I also know people that haven’t come close to wanted to be married. The bliss of a single life! It really depends on you as a person and what you want.

I met my ex husband a week after I turned 18. I was a senior in high school and the relationship came as a surprise, even to me. At the time I wasn’t thinking of settling down yet – I was dating around and was about to start college. It was a chance meeting – I was taking a friend out after she had a fight with her boyfriend and my now ex pulled up next to me and him and his friend followed us. The rest is history – a very fast and emotionally draining 6 years followed. I changed as a person when I was with him – not for the better. I never used to let anyone walk on me, and now I started to doubt myself. My heart went in this direction and there was no stopping it. Love isn’t something you can explain. I worked hard at the relationship even though I should have ran. My ex was bad news but I SO wanted things to work. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t want to fail, and I didn’t want all my time to be wasted. But, after being cheated on and abused, mainly emotionally, but I also got hit once, I finally filed for divorce. Over the years we had broken up so many times that I lost count, and it was no surprise that I took him back for 3 months and ended up filing for divorce again. It was hard sticking to it. I hated him and loved him all the same.

I fell into a rut for awhile. Actually, for a long time I was in “robot-mode” during our marriage. I went thru the daily motions of working, cleaning, studying. I did everything I could do to make him happy as I lost site of myself. Every time he did something to hurt me, it was just added to the pile and I moved on. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I felt numb, or even nothing. Once I filed it was a different feeling. It was a mixture – anger, frustration, pity. I felt lost. All that time and effort and look what happened! I was a good person, why couldn’t he have treated me better? Why was he so selfish and disgusting? What was I going to do now? Sure, I had the “nobody will ever love me” thoughts. I stepped away from God, cried why me why me. It didn’t help that my ex still came around, and I let him. He toyed with me, used me. I was really not liking myself.

Time went on. I moved back to my family home to help start over and get away from my ex. Moving really does help to move on. I had to get out of that apartment. I also had a lot of bills to deal with now. Coming home to people helped to ease some of the nighttime pain. I spent a lot of time being clingy with certain people that I knew, or staying home avoiding everyone. My cats kept me going – I had to take care of them. But I also had to take care of myself.

My job helped – I work full time for the IRS. Work can be a nice escape sometimes. It occupies time and thoughts.

Dating became another challenge. Over the course of our relationship, my ex and I had broken up many times and we both had been with other people. I had a lot of rebounds. It’s funny, but the nice guys I met were pushed to the curb and I went for the ones that really just wanted me for my body. It’s true that you end up falling for the same guys. After filing for divorce and I stepped out into the dating world once again, I felt lost. I hadn’t “dated” anyone for such a long time. Once again, I pushed people away. I also brought in the wrong guys, those that wanted to just use me. So, I stopped dating for awhile. Soon I met an actual nice guy and we started to spend some time together. I wasn’t ready though and I told him so. My divorce wasn’t even final yet! I wanted to take things slow. He didn’t understand. I started finding flaws, reasons to not be around him. I was upset that he wouldn’t give me space. I didn’t even know what I wanted! Needless to say, we didn’t continue dating.

Gradually I started thinking more clearly. I knew that if I wanted to be okay with anyone else, I had to be okay with myself first. I wondered if my ex had found someone yet. I was jealous of the people who were in a relationship, whose lives were going well. I wanted to be happy for people but what about me? Really, what is the answer to the question – why do bad things happen to good people?

I had spent a lot of time doubting myself and I had lost respect for myself. I knew it was time to get over that. I didn’t want to stay down in a rut, and I didn’t want to bring others down with me. There wasn’t anything I could do about my divorce. Really, I didn’t want my ex back. I just didn’t want to be divorced. Sound strange? Try going thru it – you will know what I mean. It was time to get my life back on track. It was time to find ME again.

I joined a gym. I pursued new hobbies. I worked on the strained relationship I had with my family. I was restructuring. I wanted to be content with myself and my life. I had to figure out what I wanted. To help this, I knew what I DIDN’T want. I knew what types of people and activities I didn’t want to associate with. I was starting down a new path and I could only take the right things with me. People were telling me to date around and enjoy the single life – I had already done my share of rebounds. I decided that if I was supposed to meet someone, he would come along my path while I was doing my own thing. I took a good look at the people I was around, and I knew that some of them didn’t have a place in my life anymore. It’s not that they were all bad people – it’s just that some of them weren’t right for my life.

I still felt like something was missing. I knew what it was. I’d known for a long time but I had been too angry and self-absorbed in pity to do anything about it. I needed to get back to church. I have always been spiritual, although my family was never religious. My ex and I had sometimes set foot in church but with him it was more for show than anything. I had questioned my faith during my hard times. It’s funny – the times you need God the most are the times you stray from him. I searched around, not finding the right church. The one near my house was stuffy – they acted like I intruded on them. Another one was a party church. Where was the worship? I finally struck gold after an internet search. I knew the second I parked my car that I had found a good one – people in the parking lot were welcoming! This was more like it – an actual caring church! I was shown around, introduced to people, given people’s cell numbers, invited to lunch. And that was even before the service began! I began studying with a minister and his wife, and soon became baptized. A hole in my heart was filled. A year later, I still attend twice a week and have made many friends who care about me and my well-being. My Christian family has been a blessing.

My divorce has been final for almost 2 years now. It’s been a long healing process,. I can say now that I am finally content. I am a good person and I am doing good with my life. I can’t look at others and wish I was in their shoes. This is the hand that I was dealt. We all go down our own path for a reason. I am stronger now, and much happier. I have been able to help others with their problems. If I was still with my ex, I would not be where I am today. I would not be enjoying my new hobbies, have my new car, or have my new church family. There were many things to get over besides my divorce. Sometimes I wonder how I went on. When I was younger, I never imagined going thru the things that I did. There were times that I really was on my own, because my family and friends were either not there for me or didn’t understand. My sister was a part of the pain, moving out with my ex when we broke up one time. It’s crazy how much I cared for him. I still haven’t talked to her in 5 years. You can forgive but not forget. Really, I pity people that have to cause others pain to help themselves. They are the ones with the empty lives, and they are not welcome on my new path/ It will only bring me down if I sink to that level again.

If you ever go thru something as harsh as a divorce, don’t be afraid to express your human emotions. We all need a good cry sometimes. But be sure to pick yourself up and move out of the rut. You are too special and worthy to let others bring you down. A new path has formed and it can be quite a blessing. Everything is about choices. Others may choose to hurt us, or life may go in a different direct than we planned, but it’s all about how we react to it – how we deal with it.

Tammy lives in California, works full time for the IRS and does writing on the side. She is a baptized Christian and has a compassion for animals and children causes.  View profile