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How to Avoid the Effects of Divorce on Your Credit

The effects of divorce are not limited to the emotional scars it can cause the couple and their children but can also have a disastrous effect on your credit as well. Fortunately it is much easier to prevent the financial effects of divorce, but many couples get so wrapped up in their anger and bitterness that they overlook these simple steps. Those who come out of a divorce and have to file bankruptcy are usually the result of a bitter ex-spouse or an unfair judge. When the couple can work together to resolve the financial issues, both can save their credit standing and be ready to begin their new lives when everything is final.

How do the effects of divorce damage your credit? There are several ways this can happen.

• The spouse remaining in the marital home is unwilling or unable to make the payments on the home and it goes into default.

• The spouse ordered by the court to make the payments on the marital home is unwilling to do so (this is especially true when the spouse no longer living in the home is ordered to make the payments).

• One or both of the parties fails to make the payments on any of their joint debts either because of blatant refusal or the assumption the other one is making the payments.

• Inability of one of the parties to make the payments the court ordered at the request of the other party. Quite often bitter spouses demand more than the other party can reasonably afford, and it causes financial problems on both ends.

• The custodial parent makes unfair demands for child support payments then using the payments for other things and demanding the ex-spouse provide other things the children need that should have been covered by child support.

In most cases the effects of divorce on the financial well being of both husband and wife remain intact as long as both have good paying jobs. The problems develop when the custodial parent that has never worked is now forced to seek work and the non-custodial parent is unwilling to provide temporary support. It may also happen because the custodial parent refuses to seek work and thinks the ex-spouse should not only support the children but should continue to support her in the same lifestyle she had during her marriage. While the court may support this line of thinking for those who have been married a long time (usually at least ten years), it is not likely to support this thinking for couples married just a few years.

Another thing many couples fail to consider when it comes to looking at the financial effects of divorce is the long-term effect. Negative information can remain on your credit report for up to seven years; it is much easier to prevent the damage by paying the debts than to rebuild your credit after the fact, especially in today’s market when creditors are tightening the criteria for granting credit. Even if the court says your spouse must pay those debts, it does not remove your name from the contract—you are still equally responsible in the eyes of the creditor.

The Other Side of the Fence

My writing has fallen into a rut about my divorce.

I would complain if not for the fact that divorce has become my cause; much like someone who must deal with a personal illness may take up a cause for cancer or heart disease.

When a parent has lost a child to a drunk driver and they become active in MADD.

For me, divorce and I have literally been siblings in constant rivalry since I was eleven years old. We’ve been forced together on a very long, tumultuous path where we’ve tussled, pulled each other’s hair and tripped one another up along the way, only for the two of us to finally come to a fork in the road.

Now I have to make a choice of whether I will continue to fight with divorce or finally win.

I’ve decided upon the latter, and I’m going to help others win, too.

Now, don’t misconstrue that this means winning at the expensive of an ex-spouse, that’s not what I mean by winning. There are no winners in divorce between former partners and certainly not for the kids who find themselves innocently involved.

Rather, I look to rewrite everything we’ve come to expect in terms of divorce; even marriage for that matter, to somehow put a stop to divorce being victorious over one out of every two marriages.

I just haven’t figured out the how, yet.

At least I know the why as I try to get the after-effects of my own divorce straight, keep a healthy emotional balance, and do what is right, especially with kids involved.

A member of my divorce support group once gave the advice, as I shared my more recent struggles to keep a healthy balance, that when it comes to kids in a divorce you have to treat it like a business. That the former spouses are business partners, nothing more. As business partners your goal is to make the business productive and successful, that being the kids.

Makes sense and I can appreciate this analogy but it also makes everything cold.

It coats a beautiful wedding day in ice.

It makes the miracle of not one but two births mechanical.

It makes every word ever spoken between partners with love, devotion, and sincerity seem like the same long-winded words being spoken in a business meeting that has dragged on for an hour too long.

After a less-than-savory exchange with my ex-spouse a couple of weeks ago, that included the always tumultuous and much dreaded chatter over child-support, I found myself desperate to figure out what would make this easier. (Besides the snarky obvious) How does one make divorce easier, how to make child-support less of a battlefield?

I turned back to emailed conversations with John Logan, CEO and Chairman of, Wedlock, and mulled over my idea for legislation geared towards mandatory divorce insurance.

Is this the only way to make divorce, and such touchy subjects as child-support, easier?

Or is the answer to be found in our being far more proactive? Where a stark warning tag comes along with the engagement ring that lists the sad percentages for divorce and the names of local divorce attorneys?

That a marriage license becomes akin to that of a driver’s license with so many hours of schooling required and so many hours behind the wheel, or in the case of marriage, so many therapy hours beforehand?

The only thing I know with definite certainty, besides the fact I loathe everything that is divorce, is that I preferred the other side of the fence, the married side; at least that side was a far more fun topic to write.

The mother of two munchkins, Bethany J. Royer is an independent contractor and writer currently studying psychology with Florida Institute of Technology. She is actively seeking a publisher for her first completed novel while working on a memoir about her personal trials and tribulations with divorce. She blogs prolifically at and can be reached at

Bethany J. Royer is a writer, (shocking, right?) mother of two, and divorce survivor extraordinaire with a ‘tude. She blogs recklessly, if you haven’t noticed that already, and actively seeking a publisher f…  View profile

Children And Your New Relationship After Divorce

Kids are resilient but they are not dumb.   If you are worried about what to tell your children about your new relationship after divorce, you should be. You need  to handle this like the delicate situation that it is.

They may not like to hear what you have to say and they surely will not want to be friendly to your new love interest.

There are a couple of factors to take into consideration:

1. The children’s ages at the time of the divorce.

2. The length of time between the divorce and finding your new love interest.

For a long time after parents divorce, the children may think that the two of you will always get back together,  especially if they are younger in age. We all know, as adults, that this is not the case except in special circumstances.

If you have waited some time after the divorce to find someone new they may even be happy for you that you are  getting on with your life.

I do not think there are any hard and fast rules on how to introduce your children and your new relationship after  divorce, so my advice is to just play it by ear and make the introductions as you see fit.

Make sure that you do not end up “asking for permission” from your children. Your love life really is none of their  business until and unless you decide to remarry. Then they just need to respect your decision and not cause any  problems.

Most children just need to feel that they are loved and cared for.    In a divorce situation these feelings may only be tenuous at best. They may feel detached and lonely not to mention  a little lost. They find they have to look to themselves for some of their own care and, depending on their ages, may not be  equipped to handle how they are feeling fully.

The parents who are divorcing need to make sure that the children are taken care of and know that they are still  loved and that the divorce is not their fault in the least. Children have a tendency to blame themselves when their  parents break up.

Be prepared to give a lot of reassurance to your kids and let them know that even though you will not be able to see them on a daily basis any more that you still care about and love them just like you did before and you will see  them as often as you can.

If the kids are older and some time has passed since you divorced then just be honest with them about what you are  doing and who you are seeing. Give them some time to get used to the idea before you make any introductions and  be there to answer any questions they may have.

Children and your new relationship after divorce can learn to like each other but things have to have a chance to  develop naturally, never try to force your kids or your new love into anything.   If you have a special relationship with your ex … and cannot seem to get past the divorce .. perhaps you need some  help in another direction.. in fixing your old realtionship. If so… you can get that help ..  How To Fix Your Broken Relationship n

Jo James has been through life’s romantic experiences from top to bottom and back again.  He relates to most all breakup pain and get-back-together hopes that there can be and has found out through that same life’s experiences that there is always hope … even after all the pain.  How To Fix Your Broken Relationship has supported hope in many many heartbreaking situations.  Perhaps it can for you too.

A Facebook Photo Never Dies

Facebook users upload and share billions of photos every day. Where do all those photos end up? And who can access them?

Where do Facebook Photos Go?

What happens to the images you post on Facebook? Have you ever thought about that?

You know…those old high school photos, ex-love interest pics, party shots on the beach, your new bike, your experiences with pregnancy, your divorce, and much much more.

Well, all such things are stored at Facebook in server farms. But there are up to 350 million new images posted every DAY. And so far, there are 240 billion (yes, that’s billion with a “b”) images already posted.

First, that should sound like a shockingly high number. Second, how many of those pics belong to you?

Photo Storage

Facebook obviously needs an efficient storage system because it seems, sadly, the goal is to keep your pics, images, posts, and comments — forever. According to the Oregonian, Facebook will convert part of the facility in Oregon to a “cold storage” system to save images on low-power servers to conserve energy. In the first nine months of operations there, Facebook’s servers consumed as much energy as 6,000 homes.

Beside the fact there’s an inordinate amount of energy used to keep your junior high pics online, those images are also not going away anytime soon. You will be immortalized with them by Facebook.

Be Careful What you Post

Those images can be used against you. Kaplan recently published information about the number of college admissions boards using Facebook and other social network information to review college candidates.

Employers can search the Web to vet out potential employees and their after-work habits.

Your ex-friends can look up you up to see your new life, spouse, kids, and pets.

A private investigator can seek out personal information on your child’s FB page.

Sexual predators can see what your child looks like to be able to identify them more readily.

Insurance companies can see that you’re an adrenalin junkie — rock climber, snowboarder, hang glider, base jumper, motorcyclist, snowmobile rider — and increase your life insurance rates.

The moral of the story: you and your family should be careful about the pics and images and information you post on Facebook. It can come back to haunt you.

It’s all stored on a server hard drive somewhere in Oregon right now.

By Russ Warner, CEO, ContentWatch-makers of Net Nanny

Divorce. Why Do Middle-Aged Men End Their Marriages and Leave Their Wives and Children?

Marriage breakdown and divorce are all too common and nothing suggests the trend is likely to reverse any time soon. While the majority of partners filing for divorce are wives, it’s usually following discovery of an affair and/or the husband’s departure from the family home. Statistics are inevitably difficult to interpret when it comes to divorce but it’s safe to say that it’s more common for a man to have an affair, then up and leave, than for a woman. Often, the ex-husband loses no time in marrying his mistress.

Here one man explains why he left, one explains why he left and returned and one why he’s thinking of leaving.

Ben and Claire had been married for 11 years when he left. They have three children. The youngest was a baby when Claire discovered Ben was having an affair with a younger, married colleague.

“Our marriage was pretty good. Claire was very into having babies. She loved little kids. After our son and daughter were born I didn’t want more children. I wanted to get out of that whole dealing with toddlers phase. For a while she seemed to accept that. But when our daughter was seven and our son was three she started grieving that he wasn’t a baby any more. He was starting to grow up and she really wanted a third child. I was dead against it. We were just finally emerging from years of nappies, no sleep and no time for ourselves. Our life was dominated for months by this discussion. In the end I gave in and she got pregnant. But I was hugely resentful. The first two children had been our project. The third, I’m sorry to say, felt like it was hers. I was seething really that she’d got her way. We were heading back into nappy territory. There’d be financial strain and I’d be relegated yet again to husband in the corner while Claire focused on the kids.

I met Tessa when Claire was pregnant. She saw me, not ‘a father’. She had an open marriage and seemed to offer me a life much wider than the ‘nursery’ I had at home. At the start of the affair she gave me a book of poetry. It meant so much. She wanted to talk about it with me. Claire mostly spoke to me about the children. I wasn’t planning to leave home but when Claire found out about Tessa she said ‘Get out’ on impulse – understandable – it was terrible for her – Amy was only a few weeks old – and I went. I was glad to escape at that point. For two years I saw my kids at weekends, on Christmas Eve and during the holidays. Claire hated me. My daughter did too. My son missed me. The baby needed a dad. Tessa was with her husband and sleeping with me too. The strain of it all was nightmarish. I began to realize I’d made really insane choices. Tessa was pretty worthless – she was so selfish, she thought nothing of breaking up a family. And I’d been just as selfish. I was confused and miserable. I’d say I was going through a pretty severe midlife crisis. Eventually I asked Claire if I could come home. She agreed, mostly for the children at that point. We saved our marriage – all that was 19 years ago. But it hasn’t been straightforward. She still sometimes has a go at me. I still deserve it.”

Tom and Carole were married for 40 years. They were renovating a large house in Italy when Tom announced he was leaving.

“The thing about my ex-wife is that she was always right. She just had to be right all the time. She’d argue and argue till I agreed with her. It wore me out. When we first met I thought she was really spirited and I liked it. But it’s that thing Woody Allen once said isn’t it? You end up hating the things you first loved about your partner. She became more and more controlling. We had two kids and family life kind of rolled along even if I became fed up with it. I love my kids and I never would have wanted to lose them. Also, I never really met anyone else I wanted to have a relationship with either. Just one married woman who wasn’t going to leave her family. So I stayed in the marriage. When the kids were grown up we went to live in Italy. I’m an academic, in art history. I continued to work; my ex stopped. We had this huge project to renovate the house and, as usual, she was taking all the decisions. I’d long ago stopped trying to negotiate with her; there was no point.

Then a new secretary joined our department at the university. She was eighteen years younger than me, attractive, and divorced. It was just inevitable we would get together. My ex didn’t even notice I was having an affair. She probably thought I’d never dare. But Aurelia is completely the opposite of her – gentle, accommodating – she listens to me and respects what I say. She was a classic mistress I suppose. I realized quite quickly that I didn’t want to live in the finished house with Carole. I wanted to leave her. When I told her, she couldn’t believe it. She never dreamed she’d face competition from an “other woman”. She couldn’t believe I would do something without her permission! But I did. I told her I had a mistress and I wanted a divorce, I walked out, I went to Aurelia’s place and I’m still there. Not a single regret.”

Craig and Diane have been married for 26 years:

“Our sex drives were always completely incompatible. When Diane was young it wasn’t so noticeable but after we had the kids she more or less switched off. She’s through the pre-menopause now, actually in menopause, and it’s worse – she’s totally disinterested. It’s like I have to beg her for sex and then when she agrees it seems like a chore for her. I know it’s not her fault; we’re just too different on that level. I love her and I like our life together most of the time. She’s a good friend as well as my wife. But I want sex every day and I want to have passionate, adventurous sex at least sometimes. It’s difficult for her, too, because she doesn’t want to be bothered with me pestering her. I really really tried to avoid having an affair but it was impossible. I had a fling with a woman I met through the internet and it was incredible. The physical side of things was amazing. We stopped after three months because we’re both married but having a lover really showed me what I’m missing. I’m going to be 50 this year and I’m pretty sure I’ll want sex for years and years. So what do I do? Suppress my sex drive for another ten or twenty years? I can’t. Have affairs? Potentially disastrous. I don’t like the idea of infidelity; I hate the idea of cheating on Diane. But we’ve discussed this libido question over and over again. She won’t take HRT because she’s scared of side-effects – breast cancer and so on – and we’ve tried alternative medicine. Nothing helped. She doesn’t want a sex life and I do. In the end I think we’ll have to divorce but it’s not the first solution I’d choose.”

READ CATH’S BLOG on daily life in Provence, south of France, at: Cath lives in Provence. In the past she lived in Washington DC., England, Scotland and Italy. Sh…  View profile

How Can I Get My Ex Husband Back? There Is No Shame in Fighting For Your Man!

Divorce is so prevalent that many people simply accept divorce without fighting for the one that they love even when they believe that there may be a chance to restore the marriage. There is absolutely no shame in fighting for your man and if you are wondering “how can I get my ex husband back?” this article discusses a few helpful tips.

Going through divorce is hell especially if there are children involved. It is common to feel like a failure or to blame yourself for the divorce all of which will not help you get your ex husband back. While it is important to address what went wrong and what role you played in the divorce, blaming yourself solely for the demise of the marriage is not healthy and will not help you move on with the rest of your life either to start a new relationship or find the effective tools and resources that will help you win your ex husband back and restore the marriage.

Addressing the mistakes you may have made in the marriage such as taking your husband for granted, a lack of communication, being unfaithful, not spending any time together, etc, is very important, but after identifying the problem, it is important to move on to the solution and not dwell on the mistakes and beat yourself up about what you could have done differently. Remember that there are two people involved in the marriage and both should take equal responsibility for the disintegration of the marriage.

One of the first things to tackle in order to answer the question “how can I get my ex husband back?” is to determine your reasons for wanting him back to ensure that you just do not want him back because you are co dependent and are afraid to stand on your own and are willing to put up with being in a bad marriage and God forbid, an abusive one at that just so you can say you have a husband.

This is why evaluating what lead to the demise of the relationship is important. You need to evaluate what went wrong and whether the two of you had something special that could still be salvaged if you both are willing to put in the work required. Even the most perfect marriage can disintegrate if both parties do not work daily to ensure that the love and the relationship thrives.

A lack of communication, unresolved anger and bitterness, not spending time together, arguing over unimportant issues, infidelity, etc, can all run a marriage aground no matter how great things were in the beginning. But just because the marriage has dissolved does not mean that it cannot be rebuilt and that you cannot fight for your man.

Steps To Fight For Your Man

1. Try to have an honest discussion with him that is free of blame, accusation, yelling, etc, all of which will not help you get your ex husband back but will only push him farther away. If you are still rather emotional, do not attempt to talk to him until you can be rational and keep your emotions in check.

2. Honestly determine what part you played in the breakup of the marriage and if you are not only willing but able to change you behavior. If you think the changes need to be made by your ex husband only, you will be fighting a losing battle to win back your husband.

3. Communication is key and unless both of you are willing to work on your communication styles that probably led to the dissolution of the marriage, you should not attempt to win him back. You both need to feel that you can voice your opinion and be heard without being attacked. In order to answer the question “How can I get my ex husband back?” you will have to evaluate your communication style and whether it is helping or hurting the situation.

These are only a few tips to consider to answer the question “how can I get my ex husband back?” For step by step guidance on what you need to do especially if your ex husband is not very receptive to your overtures, visit for a crucial resource that will help you win your ex husband back.

When You Want To Save The Marriage But Your Husband Has Left

I often emails from spouses who are now at their house alone because their spouse has recently decided to leave the home and potentially the marriage. They don’t know where to turn or how to start, but they do know that they do not just want to accept this. They do not want to give up their marriage gracefully or to just accept things as they are. They very much want to save the marriage, but they don’t know how to do that when they are no longer living under the same roof as their spouse.

I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to give up and that saving your marriage after your spouse has left is not at all impossible. Often though, you’ll have to play the game to win. You may have to change the way that you’ve been handling and responding to things, which I will discuss in the following article.

Don’t Appear Or Act Desperate After Your Husband Has Left: I know that you are probably reeling right now. And I know that you fear if you don’t make a move now or do something quite drastic soon, they might be gone for good. But, it’s so important to take a deep breath and evaluate things from a place of calm. Because often, the desperation that you feel is not what you should act on.

Someone who is hanging on by a thread and who is coming off as out of control, not able to cope, and without the confidence to cope as best they can, is usually going to elicit negative responses and perceptions. And unfortunately, these things can do more harm than good and can contribute to your spouse wanting to stay away just that much more.

Yes, it might require some acting on your part to not give in to these temptations and act on the fears that you feel. But you must do the very best that you can to resist showing your hand. Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed. What if you wanted some time to think and your spouse was bombarding you with pleas, arguments, and drama that wasn’t going to bring about any real change? You’d likely only think that you’d made the right choice to escape that, right? Always try to remember this. You may know how you really feel, but you want to control how much of this you’re letting them see.

Hyper Focus On Those Things You Can Control. Trust That The Rest Will Fall Into Place: It’s so important to understand that you can not control how your spouse is feeling. All of the arguing, debating, and begging in the world is not going to allow you to control their mind, their feelings, or how they are perceiving things. Trying to do these impossible things is a waste of precious time and efforts.

So, you are better off controlling what you can. The person who is most within your control is yourself. No, you can’t control your feelings and emotions either. But, you can control how you react to these things and in how you portray yourself. You do have more control than you think. You will just have to focus on it to gain mastery over it.

And the good news is that if you are successful over controlling yourself and in portraying exactly who you want your spouse to see, then this will likely greatly improve your situation over time. Sure, you can’t control what your spouse is feeling. But if you set up the situations that are most likely to change their perceptions, then their feelings might just follow suit eventually.

Showing Your Husband That The Marriage And Your Interactions Can Change For The Better: People sometimes email me in the days and weeks after the spouse has left and tell me that they are afraid that they won’t see or hear from them. This rarely happens. It might not happen quickly, but there will usually come a time when they need to retrieve something or talk to you on some mutual topic like your kids or your assets.

You have to make the absolute most of these situations. You have to portray someone who is focusing on the positive and who is the same person that your spouse once used to love very much. You have to let him know that, at the end of the day, you want for the both of you to be happy and to interact in the way that you used to. Since you can’t possibly know how all of this is going to turn out, all you can do is give him this time and try to improve your interactions. If you are successful with this, he will usually begin to doubt his position.

If you play this correctly, you should show him that you’re on his side and that he doesn’t need to avoid you or keep his distance. If you can convince him that you want to help him get what he wants and that you’re or the marriage are not hopeless are undesirable, you’re usually off to a good start. But in the meantime, it’s vital that you get control over your emotions so that you can start changing his perceptions.

It was my husband, not me, who wanted space and time. I agreed to it because I saw no other alternative. Unfortunately, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Eventually, I decided to play it differently. As the result, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at

Leslie Cane’s blog is at  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.

Ten Ways To Help Children Through Divorce

Going through a divorce is no fun for anyone, but children are especially vulnerable. Divorce specialist attorney Ed Sherman reveals in his book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better, the following 10 things you can do to make a big difference in how well your children survive.

1. Tell children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where their other parent has gone.

2. Reassure them that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.

3. Your children will see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent’s love for a child is a special kind that never stops.

4. Spend time with each child individually. Whether you have custody or visitation, the most important thing to the child is your individual relationship with him or her. Build the best relationship you can. The future is built of many tiny moments.

5. Children feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. They may also feel that it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. Let them know your decision is final and will have to be accepted.

6. Divorcing parents often feel guilty and become overindulgent. Give your child love, but also give limits.

7. Your child is still a child and can’t become the man of the house or a little mother. Continue to be the parent to your child. Seek other adults to fill your own need for companionship.

8. Avoid situations that place a child in the impossible position of choosing between parents:

* Don’t use your child as a way to get back at your spouse. Children can be terribly wounded this way.

* Don’t say bad things about the other parent in hearing of a child.

* Don’t say or do anything that might discourage the child from spending time with the other parent.

* Don’t encourage a child to take sides.

9. You and your former spouse will continue to be the parents of your children for life. Pledge to cooperate responsibly toward the growth and development of your children as an expression of your mutual love for them.

10. Be patient and understanding with your children. Be patient and understanding with yourself.

Even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing, cooperating with your spouse during your divorce is one of the best things you can do for your children. They learn that conflicts can be resolved eventually, which is a valuable lesson.

Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit

How Do I Move On After My Divorce?

It’s been a little while since your divorce was final. You keep hearing from friends and family that it’s time to move on. They mean well. You just don’t think you’re ready to do it. There are too many unresolved feelings going on inside of you right now and you still aren’t sure you’re ready to give up on the dreams you had for your marriage. In your heart and in your head your marriage just isn’t over yet no matter what the divorce papers in your hand might say. How do you move on after my divorce when you’re just not ready to let go?

It happens all the time. In most divorces there is usually one person who didn’t want things to end just yet. That’s the way it happens in almost every relationship ending. A lot of times, marriages could have easily been salvaged with a little time and trying but once lawyers get involved there is a lot of ill will that is created and then driven at breakneck speeds towards the finish lines known as divorce courts. What you need to know though is that divorce court doesn’t have to be the finish line for your marriage. It’s not too late to save your marriage even if it feels like it is.

Of course, there are things you can do, if you are determined to move on after your divorce. You may want your marriage back in your heart but believe in your mind that it’s water under the bridge. If that’s the case for you, you need to get out, about, and active. Your best chances for moving on after a divorce involve meeting someone else or learning to love being with yourself. Humans are social creatures though so if you aren’t looking for ways to get your ex back then you need to find a way to fill up the hours you would have otherwise spent with your ex.

But if you do want to work to resurrect your marriage from the ashes of divorce, it isn’t too late. Even after the lawyers got to you both and had you hurling some pretty hurtful accusations and insinuations in all directions it’s STILL possible to save your marriage after divorce.

You just need to spend a little time coming up with a game plan that is designed to make your relationship work this time around and eliminate a lot of the finger pointing that might have been present in your relationship before. Forgiveness is key though whether you decided to move on after your divorce or you want to get your husband back and work things out.

***Resolutions For Life After Divorce

Often people going through divorce focus on the endings it represents – the ending of a relationship, a dream, a way of life. To thrive after divorce requires you to look at divorce as a beginning – the beginning of a new life, of new possibilities for loving relationship, of a sense of self-empowerment and awareness you may have never have experienced before. Here are some powerful “life after divorce” resolutions you may want to add to your New Year’s list this year.

1. I ask myself “What can I learn from this?” instead of “Why me?”

Asking yourself questions unlocks powerful learning, but it’s important you ask great questions. When I initially start working with clients, they typically spend their time and energy on questions which do not move them forward. “Why is this happening to me?” or “How could he/she do this to me?” are questions that can perhaps never be answered. Things happen, issues come up and people make choices. Where you can reclaim your power is by consciously choosing what you will do with those issues or actions. Instead of these “Why me?” questions, train yourself to view your divorce challenges as opportunities for lifelong wisdom and growth. “What can I learn from this?” or “What could I do differently?” are questions that put you in the driver’s seat of your life.

2. I commit to asking for help when I need it.

Do yourself and your loved ones a favor this year by being willing to ask for help. Einstein once said that problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them in the first place. Divorce causes an unraveling of so many parts of your life. It takes time and support to put the pieces back together. Know that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and it can be very healthy and healing to learn how to ask for help if you need it. If you’re struggling or stressed out, take responsibility for reaching out for help. Connect with encouraging family and friends. Find yourself a divorce buddy or divorce coach who can help you process and digest your emotions.

3. I make self-care my highest priority and I do one kind act for myself every week.

Stress is a significant factor for people going through divorce which is one of life’s most stressful events. However, it also involves many other stress-inducing events such as change in income, major decisions about immediate future, change in living conditions, change in family get-togethers (to name but a few). High levels of emotional stress, if left unchecked, can lead to physical illness. Self-care is truly one of the most important actions you can take to manage your stress and assist your healing process. Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. Taking even 5 minutes a day to meditate or sit in nature can help. Noticing and interrupting self-critical thoughts is another form of self-care. This year, put You at the top of your priority list and treat yourself to at least one act of kindness each week.

4. Each romantic relationship I have will offer more love and opportunity for growth than the previous one.

So often people find themselves repeating disempowering choices and habits from one relationship to the next. They end one relationship only to begin a new relationship with the same unhealthy dynamics and patterns. How to break the cycle? First of all, resolve to love and accept yourself. Loving your strengths and your flaws will open up a whole new world of freedom and possibility for you in relationship. Second, make a resolution that each new relationship will be a marked improvement from your previous one. Relationship is the greatest teacher we can ever have to discover our full potential, so commit to using it to explore and express the most authentic, loving expression of yourself.

5. I resolve to go with the flow.

An important step to thriving after divorce is learning to surrender and go with the flow of life. In the breakdown of a marriage, issues can become clearly very heated and there can be many “battles” to fight. It’s our ego that wants to take on every battle full force, but this can become exhausting. Our need to control every little thing is simply a sign we are in fear. Tap into your heart’s wisdom to decide which battles are most important to you and which ones you can surrender and let go of. It’s often in those moments of surrender that issues start to melt away, resolving in ways we’d never even seen as possible before.

Author and spiritual divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, founded Thrive After Divorce, Inc. to help separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of the best-selling The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce. If you want simple life-changing tips for single parenting, visit now to receive a FREE report.

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