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What Are The Real Causes Of Depression?

Approximately 19 million Americans suffer from depression in a certain point of their lives. With this high incidence rate, it is necessary that we should all know the causes of depression so that proper precautions can be applied earlier to prevent it from developing. It is believed that a combination of three factors is to blame for depression: biological, genetic and environmental.

Of course, depression affects both men and women. But rate of depression in women is much higher than men. In women the effects of hormones, menstruation, contraceptives, pregnancy, child birth and menopause are the contributing biological causes of depression.

People with relatives who have been affected with depression have higher chances of developing the condition themselves. There is a possibility that depression can run in families for generations, therefore hereditary is a popular choice among possible causes of depression.

Pessimistic Personality

People who always think negatively or always have a negative outlook in life are at higher risk for developing depression. Same goes to those people who have low self esteem.

The environmental factor, or emotional factor, is meant by any sort of emotional distress, be it the death of a loved one, isolation and loneliness or a nasty break-up or divorce. Some of the most common causes of depression in the emotional factor are:

A childhood of physical or sexual abuse and growing up in a violent family environment. A traumatic experience in adulthood can also trigger depression, such as being in an abusive relationship or a victim of a violent encounter, such a being robbed or raped.

Sometimes person suffering from a chronic disease or illness such as cancer, heart problem, HIV, diabetes etc. leads to depression. It’s really very difficult to adapt the new conditions after the particular illness.

Losing a job or going into financial distress.

The loss of a loved one, through death, separation or divorce.

Extreme social conditions, such as homelessness or extreme poverty.

A childhood or relationship that has made the individual believe that he or she is a failure and is not worth anything.

The modern way of living takes much out of us. Most of us work full-time and try to balance this with family life. Too much work and the stress that it brings with it, an unhealthy diet, lack of sleep, exercise and FUN definitely can cause a depression in time.

Other causes of depression are the side effects of certain medication and substance abuse. With alcoholism or drug abuse, the question again is if people succumb to these addictions due to a depression or if the substance abuse brings on depressions.

A physical injury caused by an accident or long – term diseases such as cancer debilitate and hold a person back from living an active life are also among possible causes of depression

Remember : You are not alone. The first utmost important thing to do is to find everything you need to know on depression and how to cure it. Don’t wait a second longer as you need to know more about the Depression Free Method on What The Real Causes of Depression Really Are which can be found at www.depressionfreemethod.com now!

Tips on how to ask a Girl out

Whether you are a guy or a girl; asking someone out is intimidating, nerve wracking, and often scary. That is usually because of a little thing we like to call fear of rejection. Fear of rejection is a fear that you create in your mind that; others will not accept you for who you are, what you stand for, what you believe in and how you act. Fear of rejection causes many people to miss out on things they desire or want to do. It is behind many problems in and out of relationships.

The first step in asking a girl out is to overcome that fear of rejection. Here is a great article from livestrong.com on how to handle fear of rejection. Getting over this takes time and some soul searching. In the world of dating you may have already met someone you want to ask out but your fear of rejection is holding you back. Try some positive affirmation to help you get over that fear long enough to pop the, can I take you out to coffee question. Things you should remind yourself are:

I am a great person. I am a catch any girl would be happy to have me. If she doesn’t say yes it isn’t always because of me. (if you are a girl asking a girl out) she may not have the same sexual preference.

Use some of these phrases to help you get over that irrational fear that is holding you back. Generally there are two different scenarios that you will have in asking a girl out; on the spot (you just met and she is leaving never to be heard of again) or you know her from work (things to consider before dating a co -worker), through a mutual friend, or even online and you have time to get to know her.

On the spot:

Be confident and brave. Remember if she says no you really haven’t lost anything, but if she says yes you may have gained a doorway into a new relationship. Take that chance and see what happens. Be charming, considerate of her needs, and chivalrous. Women love being treated like princesses even when they deny it. There is something in us that draws us like moths to the flame when it comes to being treated like a princess. Make an excuse to get her alone. Flattery is helpful. But make sure the flattery is real. I once told someone I liked their shirt it was a good color for their eyes. While she became a friend we still laugh at how stupid I sounded. Don’t him and haw around what you want to say. Come out and ask the question. It can be disheartening when a person wants to ask someone but they can’t get the words out. Now is not the time to show you are not confident. Again remember, it doesn’t matter if she says no or yes. What matters is that you put it out there and let crumbs fall where they may. Be casual in your approach, don’t come on to intense. This can be a major turn off and also make the girl feel threatened.

You have time:

Email her and get to know her. Let her get to know you. Don’t give up but don’t stalk either. If the girl is not showing interest moving down a dating road with you, it might be better to become friends. Perhaps you might lose interest as well and enjoy the friendship. Remember there is a danger in being friends too long so make sure you let your intentions be known early on. Otherwise you may never get out of that friend category. Be yourself and don’t pretend to be someone you think she will like. Women can generally see right through that and are not impressed. Also when you do finally ask her out make sure you are familiar with the tips in the first scenario as they can be beneficial as well.

The biggest thing is to not let your fear of rejection keep you from doing what you want to do. That fear can rob you of having something that is right in front of you. So many times you hear stories of people that knew each other for a long time but were afraid to ask. Sometimes fate brought them together and sometimes it doesn’t. You need to put yourself out there once in a while to truly enjoy the dating world and all the wonderful things it has to offer.

 

http://www.helium.com/items/1520127-tips-on-how-to-ask-a-girl-out

Are Family Issues Causing You to Miss Too Much Work?

How can you figure out when there is a correlation between family and missing work? At what point do problems in your personal life begin to threaten your professional one? There are a few key ways to figure out if there is a genuine problem, and a few steps you can take to fix the problem.

Repeatedly Riding or Missing Deadlines

One of the easiest ways to tell if family issues are causing you to miss too much work is by how often you find yourself riding deadlines up to the last minute, or even missing them entirely. You don’t have to be out of the office to miss work, you know! If you find that you’re feeling the crunch on a a regular basis, or that you have to ask for extensions or apologize to your co-worker and boss for missing deadlines, you’ve got a serious problem to work on. Not only does this indicate that your personal life is effecting your professional life, it also shows that there is a chance that you are in danger of losing your job!

Clocking In Late, Clocking Out Early

Most of us have jobs that require us to be there for a specific amount of time, regardless of how much work we get done. For example, if you’ve got the average 9-to-5 grind, your boss expects you to arrive promptly at nine o’ clock and to clock out no earlier than 5 o’clock. It might start slowly at first, with you showing up at ten passed nine o’clock, and knocking off of work ten minutes early. However, if you find that family issues are beginning to cause you to show up late and force you to leave early, this can become a problem. As an employee, you’re paid based on the amount of time you spend doing specific tasks, and by short-changing your company on this time, you run the risk of hurting your job security.

Lack of Stress Management

Your work quality has been slipping, you feel unfocused and unbalanced, and when Tom from accounting asked if he could borrow your stapler for the third time today, you nearly stapled his tie to your cubical wall. Much like missing deadlines, turning in work that is poorly finished, feelings of dread and depression, and a short temper are all signs that family issues are causing problems in your professional life.

Missing Multiple Days of Work

You find yourself calling in and struggling to explain vaguely that you have family issues to your boss. The first couple of days your boss might be understanding, especially about the sensitive subject of family and missing work, but if you find that you have to call off more than a day or two of work, your boss might begin to become impatient with you. If you begin to sense that there is tension between you and your boss or coworkers, or that you have fallen behind at work to the point of not feasibly being able to catch up, you’re probably missing too much work.

Combating Family Issues & Professional Obligations

Family issues are hard and can take a toll on pretty much anyone. But what can you possibly do when they rear their ugly head and make it harder to keep up with your professional obligations? Believe it or not, there are a few things that you can do to help level the playing field when it comes to family and missing work, so here are a few tips that hopefully can help.

Assess the Severity of the Family Issues

Obviously there are different levels of severity when it comes to family issues. For example, a death in the family, a sick or injured family member, or the difficult subject of divorce are serious problems that would interfere with everyone’s work, regardless of who they are. An angsty teenager complaining over lack of freedom, an unsettled feud between family members, or just an ongoing yet relatively harmless fight with a spouse are also a pain to deal with, but usually can be managed once you’re off the clock. If you know that your family issues aren’t in dire need of immediate attention, try to set up a time after work or on weekends to fix them as soon as you can. Your job might just rely on it!

Work from Home

For some family issues, you might just need to be physically present at your house to solve them. For example, say your rowdy pre-teen son made a poor choice involving a can of spray paint and the wall of his school, which has managed to give him one week of out-of-school suspension. Or maybe your dog recently had surgery and you have to keep an eye on her stitches to make sure they heal up just fine. Whatever the reason, if you just need to provide a watchful eye on the home front, ask about working from home for a few days. Not only will this solve the problem of needing to be at home, it’s a great way to relax from the stress of the office place while you catch up on any projects that you’ve missed.

Request Time Off

For the sake of your co-workers, including poor Tom who just seems to keep misplacing his stapler, sometimes using up vacation days to deal with family issues is for the better. Yes, dealing with family issues are far from a relaxing vacation, but the vindication you feel after dealing with difficult issues and returning to work unhampered by the stress is sure to be worth it!

http://www.brighthub.com/office/career-planning/articles/123431.aspx


Divorce…Get the Facts from Experts and Stay in Control Before, During and After Divorce

New York, NY (PRWEB) February 20, 2013

Divorce Prep Experts (DPE) the New York based leader in helping to inform and empower people going through divorce through informational seminars and a suite of services announces that they are bringing their acclaimed “Get the Facts 3 Hour Seminar” to NYC on February 28th at 6pm, and will continue to offer monthly informational seminars throughout NYC, Connecticut, NJ and Long Island.

Fact: There is 1 divorce to every 2.4 marriages in the US. The fear of the unknown during divorce continues to affect millions who face divorce each year feeling lost, confused and alone due to the lack of resources. Divorce has been linked to emotional and financial destruction, drugs and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, suicide and even murder of a spouse and child.

“Face your fears with experts and stay in control of your life before, during and after divorce …What you will learn in just 3 hours will make a lifelong difference”

This 3 Hour Q & A Seminar is available to men and women who are contemplating divorce or who have filed for divorce. During a Q & A forum, a team of top NYC licensed/certified experts in their respective fields will provide insight into the world of divorce and provide clarity and security to participants who seek to empower & protect themselves before, during and after divorce.

Experts include: Former Judge, Attorney, Financial Advisor, Divorce Mediator,

Child Psychologist, Family Therapist, Insurance Specialist & Life Coach.

Building upon the success of past “Get the Facts 3 Hour Seminars” held in Long Island and attended by hundreds of individuals, the first NYC Seminar is scheduled to take place on February 28th at 6:00 pm at Shetler Studios located at 244 West 54th Street, b/w Broadway & 8th Ave. To make sense of all of the expert advice, and to ensure that participants leave empowered to protect themselves through the knowledge gained, Divorce Prep Experts, President & CEO, Elizabeth Petrakis will moderate the NYC Seminar.

About the President & CEO

Elizabeth Petrakis, is a survivor of the arduous and confusing process of divorce. She created DPE in an effort to help one of the most overlooked groups in our population, those facing divorce. As President & Divorce Consultant, Liz brings a personal approach to DPE. Since 2007, she has gained a deep understanding of the overall effects surrounding divorce, when she personally experienced the incredible fear and frustration levied by a contentious 6-year matrimonial matter. Liz, a single mother of 3 school-aged children, represented herself (Pro-Se) to argue her own matrimonial case before Nassau County’s Supreme Court Justice, Anthony Falanga. Her Pre-Nup Victory featured on the front cover of the New York Law Journal in December 2011, has won her recognition from experts in the field. Interviewed by Anderson Cooper (CNN) and reported on by the New York Post, Liz continues to share her divorce experience to assist others through Divorce Prep Experts’ 3 Hour Seminars.

Asked about the rationale for bringing the Divorce Prep Experts Seminar to NYC, Elizabeth Petrakis stated, “Knowledge is Power – and I know first hand that people need to arm themselves with information and facts – to plan ahead and make the right decisions when it comes to divorce… by unveiling this monster called divorce, people can face it feeling empowered and protected through knowledge… this knowledge can be accessed directly from experienced experts at DPE".

Elizabeth also added that “Based upon the increasing statistics of divorce rates in our country, the unsettling lack of face-to-face “How To Divorce” resources, the tremendous feedback received from our past Seminars in Long Island, and my recent [appearance on Anderson Cooper Live, I am confident that DPE will continue to provide an invaluable resource that can empower, protect and benefit the divorcing masses”.

"Although I wish that divorce would never happen again to anyone else, the reality is that it continues to traumatize the lives of more and more people – everyday. Therefore, it is my goal through Divorce Prep Experts to expand the number of seminars available to people in the Tri-State area, and then around the country, to allow more people to benefit from the invaluable knowledge about the entire divorce process that we provide during our seminars”.

The statistics of divorce in New York State are rapidly increasing, even more so since the “No Fault” law that was passed in Oct. 2010. Men and women who are considering divorce are finding themselves in unfamiliar territory, overwhelmed and vulnerable due to a lack of knowledge and resources. Elizabeth states, “It is my goal through the expansion of locations to provide monthly seminars and bring our Divorce Prep Experts knowledge to the people who live and work in NYC, Connecticut, and NJ as our next steps”.

Divorce Prep Experts is NOT a law firm.

Space is limited.

Details for the upcoming NYC Seminar:

When: Thursday, February 28 6pm-9pm

Where: Shetler Studios Penthouse 1, 244 West 54th Street, b/w Broadway & 8th Ave.

New York, NY 10019

Register Here: http://conta.cc/W6cUbr

Attendees are required to provide a registration fee of $40 per person

For more information on this topic or to schedule an interview please contact,

President & CEO, Elizabeth Petrakis 1800.377.0067 or liz(at)divorceprepexperts(dot)com

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2013/2/prweb10447356.htm

Divorce in the State of Texas

Eventhough one can get a lot of information from various websites, professional consultation with an attorney may help in understanding the real hassles and outcome of divorce in a real life situation. Hence consultation with an attorney is most essential in the event the person wants to opt for a divorce.

How does a Divorce Procedure Work?

Original Petition

First the property issues of both the partners are first settled. At the same time custody and support of children are determined. The court should have jurisdiction to grant a divorce and this is possible only when one or both parties are resident in State of Texas or in the county where the divorce is filed.

The process starts with the filing of original documents. The documents contains all details of the petition circumstances and request for relief. The petition need not be signed. One may request the lawyer for a review before it is sent to one’s spouse. The petition is required to contain some information as per statues like in case of a pre-martial agreement which should be brought to the court and spouses attention in the first pleading itself.

How the petition should be delivered?

Original petition for divorce must be delivered by formal means of delivery either by a Sheriff, constable or a private process server. It should contain both petition and citation. Citation is a cover letter indicating one’s spouse that a lawsuit has been filed. After the delivery of petition one’s spouse should file an answer in the court. Therefore it is most essential that one does not serve the original petition and citation personally because one cannot prove that a notice has been legally served at the hearing.

Orders

The period between the dates of a divorce is filed to the date when it is granted is called temporary orders.

Temporary Restoring Orders (TRO)

This order is one which is served to the opposite party by the court and which prevents transfer or disposition of and/or to prevent harassment. TRO is valid only for a period of 14 days.

Protective Order

In extreme circumstances the court may grant a protective order, which has all the powers of a TRO and also has law enforcement capacity.

Temporary orders determine many factors like

where the other spouse shall remain

payment of bills

custody and support of children during the period

spousal support

Attorney’s fees

Filing of inventories

Schedule of parental possession of children

An associate judge will hear the evidence of a temporary hearing and give appropriate orders in case an agreement is not reached between the two parties regarding TRO. The hearing will be within days or weeks of date of request for hearing.

Child related issues

The court first decides in whose custody the child should be and then decides the amount of money to be paid as child support per month. In case the payers net resources are less than $ 6000.00 then the following pattern is follows:

No. of children

Resources

1 20%

2 25%

3 30%

4 35%

5 40%

6 Not less than 40%

The payer is also required to maintain health insurance policy from the proceeds of his employment. If the payer does not have an insurance through his employment, the same is available through the payers employment, the same is available through payees employment, the payer has to pay the premium cost to the payee.

Child support orders continue upto the age of 18. If the child is in high school at the age of 18 then support continues upto graduation. There is not provision for payment of college expenses in child support. If the child is disabled support continues for an indefinite period.

All child support are modifiable at a future date. Either parent can approach the court regarding change of conservatorship, the periods of possession or child support upto the age of 18.

Informal agreements between two spouses are a contempt of court. Like is a spouse agrees to pay less of child support than orders by the court or one’s spouse gives primary possession of children and then demands return of children, then he has not right to retain possession.

Failure to comply with the orders regarding child support like non-payment of child support, periods of possession would lead to imprisonment.

Attorney’s Fees

Responsibility of payment of Attorney’s fees lies with each party. The court can order one party to pay part or all of the attorney’s fees depending on the other party’s financial resources and facts of the case.

Spousal support

Though the Texas courts have limited authority to order alimony after divorce, the court has authority to award temporary spousal support. For deciding the alimony the court will take into consideration the health and age of parties, ability to work, responsibility of children, availability of funds, length of marriage. The general rule is that spousal support will be provided for a limited period and the amount ordered will only cover the basic necessities of life. To be eligible for alimony, one must have been married for more than 10 years and alimony may be upto $2500 per month for a maximum of 3 years.

Name Change

Request for name change can be done as a part of divorce. If name change is done as a separate lawsuit, laws are stricter and harder to modify. Hence name change as part of divorce is the best option.

It is not possible to change the names of children.

Marital Liabilities

Settlement of liabilities is part of the decree of divorce. However, if the court assigns responsibility of debt to one party it does not mean the other party is released from the responsibility

Income Taxes

The same provisions for marital liabilities apply for income taxes also. There may be only rare cases where the taxes are filed jointly. In such cases IRS can pursue collection action against either or both partners. If the court has ordered one’s spouse to pay all the taxes it does not prevent IRS from imposing penalties or interest on the other’s account. It may also go to the extent of sale of one’s property to recover the tax. The IRS is not restricted by state laws.

Discovery

This is a process where one spouse learns from the other all relevant information for the lawsuit. Some formal methods include

Request for Disclosure

Depositions

Productions of Documents

Interrogations

One major issue in discovery is valuation of property and how to divide it.

The Trial or Settlement

After the discovery the actual process of trial begins, the relevant information including appraisement (list of all property and debts, opinions of values and claims) and sworn inventory is available. The settlement sometimes happens through mediation.

The parties may also settle the divorce through collaborative law. This is an out of court process where the parties and their lawyers may agree to resolve the case on a voluntary basis.

Ultimately if these issues cannot be settled then the parties may go for a trial. After the trial, the judge announces a ruling; this is afterwards converted into a written order called Decree of Divorce. If both the parties agree on the decree of divorce, both or one of the parties must appear before the Judge and give sworn. This process is called prove up. The judge then decides after determining that the testimony meets all legal requirements of a divorce and says the magic words ” Divorce granted” The judge then signs the Decree of Divorce and this is the end of the Divorce case.

Courts in Texas State

Each county in the state of Texas has one or more courts handling family cases. In Dallas, there are seven family law district courts. In Ft. Worth there are seven courts. Collin County has eight district courts, Denton County has six. Tarrant County has seven family courts. The time taken for a contested case to trial is more than one year. The period between the request for trial to the actual date of trial if a function of time taken to tray the case in a court. The longer the trial the farther the date scheduled. In most cases are agreed to even before the trial and hence no trial is required.

Each county has special rules regarding the trial in addition to Texas rule of Civil Procedure. Dallas Family Courts Issue standing orders which are intended to preserve the finance and property and also protect the children. In this case the temporary restraining order becomes unnecessary. Collin county also has implemented such orders.

Given all the rules, information about divorce, it is to be borne in mind that it is a very personal issue. It is even very traumatizing for the person undergoing the process. Hence support from all quarters is required to get over the disappointment and stress involved.

I am a graduate in science from University of Madras. I did my schooling in Chennai, St. Dominic’s AIGHS School. Started my career as Stenographer in Ruchi Pickles then moved to SRM Instituitions and then…  View profile

The Real Meaning Of Commitment – Marriage Or Dating

When you are committed to your marriage, it can only mean two things. The first one is lower than the second one and the second one has a more meaningful and deeper meaning and aspect of what commitment truly means in any relationship.

No one is perfect in relationships, but the two have the choice of working together and doing what it takes to make the relationship successful. Yea, anyone can be committed when it’s good and dandy, but what happens when the pit falls and it’s dark in the relationship? Are you that committed to working through it every way possible and stand firm?

Let’s say for instance, you and your spouse got into a terrible fight over the bills, and the fact is that the bills have been sky high for the last couple of months. When the argument evolves and escalades, in the middle of the night, will you wake up and feed the baby when it’s crying? Or will you get up at 6 in the morning just to put the trash outside for the trash man to get it at 7 am? These are the types of question you should be asking yourself? These are the types of thoughts should run through your mind whenever you are going through rough times with your partner and they just so happen to react a certain way. If you are your spouse is doing anything to despite the other, than I’m sorry, your relationship will not last and will eventually end with a breakup, therefore the relationship is not committed.

Two Things That Make Up Commitment

Benjamin Karney is a professor of psychology and co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA. He says that commitment can either be, (1) I want to continue this because I totally love this relationship or (2) it’s not going very well, but I’m committed. I will do whatever it takes to resolve these problems so that we can move forward.

What Do You Do When the Relationship is Vulnerable?

Communication is the single key to working toward a successful marriage and relationship. Without compromise, life with your partner will die and end up in divorce. It’s not about who is right or wrong, but rather what can “we” do to fix this?

Divorce couples may say they were very committed, but certain circumstance didn’t make it work, and once again, communication is the very reason why it didn’t work with both parties willingly wanting to make the best out of the situation.

Last Thoughts on The Subject

Commitment is not mandatory, it’s a choice. Make the best out of your choice to improve your relationship so that it will last longer than the others. Stand your ground and stand up for love and commitment in your marriage.

Please feel free to comment or share:-)

http://www.streetarticles.com/commitment/the-real-meaning-of-commitment-marriage-or-dating

Common Law Firms Brisbane Expertise that Might Attraction You

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How Early Should I Book My Wedding DJ

About Mike Jones    Wedding DJ Services Consultant

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Can’t Live Together, Can’t Afford Being Apart

Divorce is set to go beyond the financial means of some people in the UK due the recent decision of the government to drastically cut legal aid funding. Gordon Dean solicitors in Norwich are members of the Norwich and Norfolk Law Society, a professional and lobbying body that has lined up against the cuts and warns that “divorce will become simply too expensive for the disadvantaged” to undergo and that access to the justice system generally is threatened by the latest cuts.

We often reach out for the aid of a solicitor at the most challenging moments of our lives, such as when settling an estate, procuring advice or defense in a criminal context or settling commercial and other disputes. It seems solicitors and legal advice are things that accompany the toughest moments of our lives and this is no doubt part of the reason for the negative stereotyping associated with solicitors that we are all familiar with.

It sometimes surprises people that while it is generally unnecessary to engage a lawyer when getting married, it is legally required to do so when a marriage comes to an end. Divorce, like marriage, isn’t cheap, and just as marriage rates fall and weddings become less extravagant during harder economic times, divorce rates also fall in some measure for exactly the same reason. Notwithstanding the economic cycle and expense, divorce remains an extremely widespread phenomenon in modern society, with by some measures as many as 50% of marriages ending in divorce by the time of the child’s 16th birthday.

Emotions are often at their rawest during a divorce and the stress is often compounded by the complex legal and financial questions involved. Even in relatively amicable divorces, the legal process of mediation, arbitration and conflict resolution require a solicitor to prepare the documents, ensure the legality of asset division, make recommendations, and formalize a custody agreement if there are children involved. A solicitor is necessary to draft a Deed of Separation, the official document that voids a marriage, sets out the divorce agreement and makes it legally binding. There is no way to unscramble an egg, but the complex intertwining of finances, family and the termination of the comprehensive legal partnership that marriage represents require comprehensive legal advice to attempt to do just that. Legal advice is also a professional service that both parties must contract individually, making divorce proceedings more expensive still.

If quality of representation is taken out of the legal aid system by cuts then it is the poorest in the community who will bear the brunt, as those of middle or higher incomes can still pay for access to adequate legal services. While these services are predominantly used in criminal contexts, legal aid is also a source of advice and mediation for people involved in civil disputes such as divorce. People seeking divorce who cannot afford solicitor services could potentially find themselves in a situation where being unable to pay for divorce proceedings means falling into the legal black hole of informal separation. This reduction in personal legal autonomy can entail loss of access to finances, homes, children and erect barriers to leaving abusive relationships. The cuts to legal aid represent a real threat to equity of access to the law and, ultimately, access denied is justice denied.

Freelance journalist and writer.  View profile

Getting Over A Break Up Or Divorce: How To Heal And Move On

As a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy, I’m frequently called on to help clients deal with break-ups or divorce.

Common reactions to divorce or break ups are not just emotional, they are often physical and behavioral. For example, many folks report feeling anxious, like they have been socked in the gut or chest while the butterflies in their stomach affect their eating and sleeping habits. Sound familiar? Relax, this is a normal reaction.

Other times, clients report feeling mostly “numb” until the larger implications of the break up or divorce finally hits them. Everyone’s individual reaction is different however, but one thing remains true: Heartbreak is very real, very painful, and most relationship advice aimed at helping people get over a break up or divorce is similar to grief therapy.

However, there is hope! While coping with a break up or divorce can feel hopeless or overwhelming, remember that time is a great healer. Always keep this in mind: Your problems and feeling are temporary, and you are bigger than both of them. So hang in there, because the longer you hang on means you are one day closer to feeling better.

That said, here are some steps you can take to begin the healing process.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: RECOGNIZE YOUR FEELINGS

A common response to negative events is numbness, but underneath that numbness are often feelings of hurt, anger, inadequacy, fear of the unknown, and loneliness. Honoring those feelings is an essential part of the healing process.

Try exploring your feelings by keeping a journal of your thoughts and emotions. I also encourage my clients to write letters. For example, compose a note to your ex exploring what you are, or aren’t, going to miss about your partner. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are some things about your ex that you’ll forever appreciate or remember? It’s cathartic to get things off your chest. Whether you mail it or not doesn’t matter, recognizing your emotions is most important. And in the future, when you’re in a healthier place, you can look back on it and have a chuckle.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: COMBAT NEGATIVE THINKING

It’s not unusual to have thoughts such as “I will never date again.” However, when having these negative thoughts, it’s useful to ask yourself rational questions in response such as: What is the effect of believing this thought? What are the disadvantages of this thought? Is there is an alternative explanation to this thought? What would I tell a friend who is in a similar situation?

Using the example of “I will never date again,” the effects of believing this thought are easy: You’ll forever be alone, you’ll remain unhappy, and create a self-perpetuating cycle of negativity. In short, you’ll assure your own misery. An alternative explanation may be “I feel bad right now, which is understandable, but I won’t feel like this forever and who knows what the future holds?”

MAKE A LIST

Another technique I recommend is having clients take a few minutes to write a list of all the positive qualities they offer. This helps them see that they have lots to offer future partners. What about you makes you feel proud? What would your family and friends say they like or love about you? (You may even ask your friends and family to assist you.) What are your achievements? Who in your life do you know loves you?

RID YOUR ENVIRONMENT OF REMINDERS OF YOUR EX OR “OLD LIFE”

DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF

LEARN YOUR MOTIVATION FOR ENGAGING IN RELATIONSHIPS

Be honest! Which of your needs was getting fulfilled by your relationship? Fear of being alone? Financial security? Did you simply stay for the sake of the children? What was the real reason you broke up? Often, it’s because as a coupe you were either not compatible (didn’t have the same needs, goals, world views, etc) or communication was poor. Therefore, to help ensure the chances of finding healthy relationships in the future, it is vital to learn from your past.

MOVING FORWARD

At some point, most folks become fed up with feeling bad, and begin moving on. In fact, studies show that these emotional rebounds can be very liberating and empowering.

My most important relationship advice is this: The past does not have to determine the future, and if you’ve loved deeply once then you are capable of experiencing it again. In fact, if you take the time to heal you will come out of the relationship MORE experienced and even MORE able to engage in loving relationships!

Emily Kensington is a couples therapist. For free relationship advice and romance tips visit http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com